Yesterday I was on my way to work and I said to James “see you at therapy!” He looked at me and said adamantly “I am not going.” When I asked “why” I was met with rage. He informed me that the previous week he didn’t have a chance to speak and he was accused of being a sponge and not a good father to our children. Before I had a chance to respond, he stomped inside and locked the front door. I shrugged my shoulders, turned the key in the car and proceeded about my morning commute – first to drop off the children at their respective camp and school and then off to work via the train. A typical morning--complete with bi-polar moods and two cups of coffee.
I called the therapist and relayed this new wrinkle in our journey through marriage therapy. She asked me to come anyway so we could discuss our next plan of action. She asked me to let James know about my disappointment and to say that I would hope that he show up to represent himself. As the day moved forward, I began to feel queasy. Maybe it was a virus or maybe it was nerves. However, I decided not to attend therapy without James.
Later in the day, I discussed James’s reluctance to attend therapy with him and he was a bit more open to hearing feedback. I said, “I wasn’t accusing you, I was telling facts.” I continued, “James, if you were “color blind” you would rely upon me to select your wardrobe so that you wouldn’t walk out the door dressed in purple, blue and orange. Your judging capabilities are blurred between normal and not normal and if our marriage is going to work – you need to start trusting me about my observances as to how you behave.”
He thought for a moment and considered what I said. He followed with, “you have never let me down and you never would – but I have let you down many times.”
It is true – James has let me down on numerous occasions and our lives are getting more complicated as we move towards the unknown. Where do we go from here? Do we stay together? Do we separate or divorce? I have absolutely no idea – however, I am leaning towards separation in order to help and protect our children.
No matter what happens, I am committed to staying positive and to staying focused. As hard as it has been – as hard as it may get, I have to keep reminding myself that “this too shall pass” and my children and I will have happier moments ahead.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
The Possibility of Separation and Divorce
James and I went to our weekly therapy session and discussed the possibility of separation and perhaps divorce. While a likely last resort, it is the only thing I can think about right now. I recently read an article on the NAMI website about being married to a spouse with bi-polar. It is devastating to know that 90% of marriages with a healthy spouse and a bi-polar spouse end up in divorce. While my husband and I are not a statistic, I am uncertain that I can be a member of the 10% group that stay together.
Since we have been married, I have lost a huge part of myself. Along the way, I forgot who I was and resolved myself to living in a marriage where I experienced extreme emotional and intellectual abuse. I have been terrorized for a number of years and "I was dying on the vine."
I wasn't the one who exposed what I was living with -- my husband revealed the level of tension when he physically went after my father and engaged in a terrible argument with him. All my father could think was that someday either me or the kids or all four of us would end up as the "Lifetime movie of the week." Since then, I have been living in an "aggravated hell", however this time, I am realizing that I can achieve peace. However, I have to have the courage to tell my husband that I need him to leave and I need to move on. That is a very difficult thing to do.
I know I am not the only person living like this. I recently found a website: psychcentral.com/blog and found many individuals who are experiencing the same thing. So, for those of you out there who are like me -- I say "take heart" and follow your inner voice. You know what you can handle and you know what is best for you and your children.
Since we have been married, I have lost a huge part of myself. Along the way, I forgot who I was and resolved myself to living in a marriage where I experienced extreme emotional and intellectual abuse. I have been terrorized for a number of years and "I was dying on the vine."
I wasn't the one who exposed what I was living with -- my husband revealed the level of tension when he physically went after my father and engaged in a terrible argument with him. All my father could think was that someday either me or the kids or all four of us would end up as the "Lifetime movie of the week." Since then, I have been living in an "aggravated hell", however this time, I am realizing that I can achieve peace. However, I have to have the courage to tell my husband that I need him to leave and I need to move on. That is a very difficult thing to do.
I know I am not the only person living like this. I recently found a website: psychcentral.com/blog and found many individuals who are experiencing the same thing. So, for those of you out there who are like me -- I say "take heart" and follow your inner voice. You know what you can handle and you know what is best for you and your children.
Monday, August 10, 2009
AN ENORMOUS LOVE
I first met my husband when I was teaching an art class at a local arts center. I was 26 and a bit insecure. I didn’t realize how talented I was – I had no idea how giving and loving that people felt I was to them. I wish I knew then what I know now.
When James walked into the room, he immediately filled my entire world and he seemed to dominate whole spaces. He was handsome and noticed by all of the women in the room. They immediately silenced themselves and just stared as he disrobed and took center stage as the class model.
It would take several years for me to say yes to one of James’ requests for a date. Even though I was attracted to him, he intimidated me a bit. As soon as we started dating, I was smitten and felt as if a spell had been cast upon me. We fell in love very quickly.
James seemed to be the total package. He was never married, kind and loving, caring towards my family, intelligent, and Catholic. Even though there were some negative qualities that I had noticed, I looked only at the positive because I felt that everyone had a flaw including me. I just didn’t realize that his flaws would be nearly impossible to live with.
My first insight into James’ struggle with bi-polar illness was about a year before we were married. He became unglued when he accidentally locked his keys into his car. Instead of thinking methodically, he lost it. I was a bit frightened of the immense anger that flowed from him. I tried hard to make him feel better but nothing would. I solved the problem and then he calmed down. Little did I know that from that day forward, I would continue to be the “problem solver” and the pacifier that would help him navigate on a daily basis.
We were married in June of 2002 and almost immediately, the daily crises that are a part of the fabric of James’ life became more and more apparent. He lost his job a few days before we were married and then came the back taxes requests from the Federal Government, wage garnishing, and a bill for thousands of dollars in parking tickets. My father helped him get a high paying and great job which he subsequently lost five months later due to his issues with anger. He had a difficult time getting along with others. He got several speeding tickets and our insurance expenses were significantly increased. All of this happened shortly after I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Consequently, my pregnancy was exhausting and less than blissful.
Nearly 18 months after we were married, and our oldest child was 6 months, James locked himself in a closet and threatened to kill himself. His anger was overwhelming. He blamed me for everything – his loss of a job, for having a child too soon, for breathing. His words were abusive and manipulative. I couldn’t go to work that day and I left home for the first time. When I returned I told James that I was no longer going to live with him because his behavior was out of control. I let him know that after he went to a doctor and found out why he was angry and suicidal, I would return. He immediately became kinder and I saw the man that I fell in love with. He convinced me that he would go to his physician and take care of what was wrong.
The doctor diagnosed James with depression and prescribed Prozac. He also began visiting a counselor on a routine basis. James seemed to improve and our lives began to regulate a bit more. He was hired at a new job and for the next few years, things were stable. I became pregnant again and we celebrated the birth of our daughter in April 2005. Life seemed to be perfect until yet gain, James lost his job. This time, his employment ended with a near fist fight. Life was about to get much worse.
I first met my husband when I was teaching an art class at a local arts center. I was 26 and a bit insecure. I didn’t realize how talented I was – I had no idea how giving and loving that people felt I was to them. I wish I knew then what I know now.
When James walked into the room, he immediately filled my entire world and he seemed to dominate whole spaces. He was handsome and noticed by all of the women in the room. They immediately silenced themselves and just stared as he disrobed and took center stage as the class model.
It would take several years for me to say yes to one of James’ requests for a date. Even though I was attracted to him, he intimidated me a bit. As soon as we started dating, I was smitten and felt as if a spell had been cast upon me. We fell in love very quickly.
James seemed to be the total package. He was never married, kind and loving, caring towards my family, intelligent, and Catholic. Even though there were some negative qualities that I had noticed, I looked only at the positive because I felt that everyone had a flaw including me. I just didn’t realize that his flaws would be nearly impossible to live with.
My first insight into James’ struggle with bi-polar illness was about a year before we were married. He became unglued when he accidentally locked his keys into his car. Instead of thinking methodically, he lost it. I was a bit frightened of the immense anger that flowed from him. I tried hard to make him feel better but nothing would. I solved the problem and then he calmed down. Little did I know that from that day forward, I would continue to be the “problem solver” and the pacifier that would help him navigate on a daily basis.
We were married in June of 2002 and almost immediately, the daily crises that are a part of the fabric of James’ life became more and more apparent. He lost his job a few days before we were married and then came the back taxes requests from the Federal Government, wage garnishing, and a bill for thousands of dollars in parking tickets. My father helped him get a high paying and great job which he subsequently lost five months later due to his issues with anger. He had a difficult time getting along with others. He got several speeding tickets and our insurance expenses were significantly increased. All of this happened shortly after I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Consequently, my pregnancy was exhausting and less than blissful.
Nearly 18 months after we were married, and our oldest child was 6 months, James locked himself in a closet and threatened to kill himself. His anger was overwhelming. He blamed me for everything – his loss of a job, for having a child too soon, for breathing. His words were abusive and manipulative. I couldn’t go to work that day and I left home for the first time. When I returned I told James that I was no longer going to live with him because his behavior was out of control. I let him know that after he went to a doctor and found out why he was angry and suicidal, I would return. He immediately became kinder and I saw the man that I fell in love with. He convinced me that he would go to his physician and take care of what was wrong.
The doctor diagnosed James with depression and prescribed Prozac. He also began visiting a counselor on a routine basis. James seemed to improve and our lives began to regulate a bit more. He was hired at a new job and for the next few years, things were stable. I became pregnant again and we celebrated the birth of our daughter in April 2005. Life seemed to be perfect until yet gain, James lost his job. This time, his employment ended with a near fist fight. Life was about to get much worse.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Navigating Chaos
For those who live with a mentally ill spouse, the title of today's post will be perhaps, eerily familiar. The mentally ill and untreated spouse can and often does create chaos and at times crisis which can greatly interrupt normal everyday life. Unfortunately, because of their illness, often they have no idea how else to live -- no matter how much support or love that may surround them.
My husband, James, has a hard time navigating his way around chaos and crisis. Both seem to follow him even though he desires to live a different way...sometimes.
Our current crisis involves what it usually does -- money. James has been out of work more than he's been in work. When he's been in work, he hasn't been able to handle the stresses of the job very well nor does he have an easy time relating to others. When he does earn money, instead of using it responsibly, he has driven us into a great deal of debt. Creditors, at times, are a part of our lives. Other times, they are not. Often, I find myself as the deal-maker negotiating rates and amounts. It can create a great deal of angst.
This week we took James's car to be inspected. It failed and at 255,000 miles and 15 years of age, the mechanic flatly refused to fix it. He said, "it ain't worth it -- donate it to charity." Ughhh!!! Another crisis, another catastrophe that I have to swoop in and fix. Yet again. At least it feels that way.
Initially, I feel the irritation that goes with having yet to mop up another mess. Now you could say -- I should have known better -- a car with 255,000 miles isn't going to last very long. But I had hoped it would. My aggravation has mostly passed and the logic I know and hold dear and of which I have come to rely upon has finally taken hold. I am trying to support my spouse in finding a new set of wheels that can take him to where he needs to go. In the meantime, he's riding his bike and we are sharing our mini van.
In order to cope with this and other major issues that we have experienced, I realize that I have to find the light that is inside my heart and inside my head. I have to believe that this too shall pass and that eventually, everything will work out. It isn't easy to live like this and I don't know how long I can live with a man in his late forties who just can't get it together. But then I remember what it was like when we fell in love and then I remember my three beautiful little children. Without my husband, they wouldn't be here.
So with that, I start my first blog, my journey towards understanding how to continue to cope with living with a mentally ill spouse, working a big professional job, and most importantly, raising three little children.
My husband, James, has a hard time navigating his way around chaos and crisis. Both seem to follow him even though he desires to live a different way...sometimes.
Our current crisis involves what it usually does -- money. James has been out of work more than he's been in work. When he's been in work, he hasn't been able to handle the stresses of the job very well nor does he have an easy time relating to others. When he does earn money, instead of using it responsibly, he has driven us into a great deal of debt. Creditors, at times, are a part of our lives. Other times, they are not. Often, I find myself as the deal-maker negotiating rates and amounts. It can create a great deal of angst.
This week we took James's car to be inspected. It failed and at 255,000 miles and 15 years of age, the mechanic flatly refused to fix it. He said, "it ain't worth it -- donate it to charity." Ughhh!!! Another crisis, another catastrophe that I have to swoop in and fix. Yet again. At least it feels that way.
Initially, I feel the irritation that goes with having yet to mop up another mess. Now you could say -- I should have known better -- a car with 255,000 miles isn't going to last very long. But I had hoped it would. My aggravation has mostly passed and the logic I know and hold dear and of which I have come to rely upon has finally taken hold. I am trying to support my spouse in finding a new set of wheels that can take him to where he needs to go. In the meantime, he's riding his bike and we are sharing our mini van.
In order to cope with this and other major issues that we have experienced, I realize that I have to find the light that is inside my heart and inside my head. I have to believe that this too shall pass and that eventually, everything will work out. It isn't easy to live like this and I don't know how long I can live with a man in his late forties who just can't get it together. But then I remember what it was like when we fell in love and then I remember my three beautiful little children. Without my husband, they wouldn't be here.
So with that, I start my first blog, my journey towards understanding how to continue to cope with living with a mentally ill spouse, working a big professional job, and most importantly, raising three little children.
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