Navigating Chaos

For those who live with a mentally ill spouse, the title of today's post will be perhaps, eerily familiar. The mentally ill and untreated spouse can and often does create chaos and at times crisis which can greatly interrupt normal everyday life. Unfortunately, because of their illness, often they have no idea how else to live -- no matter how much support or love that may surround them.

My husband, James, has a hard time navigating his way around chaos and crisis. Both seem to follow him even though he desires to live a different way...sometimes.

Our current crisis involves what it usually does -- money. James has been out of work more than he's been in work. When he's been in work, he hasn't been able to handle the stresses of the job very well nor does he have an easy time relating to others. When he does earn money, instead of using it responsibly, he has driven us into a great deal of debt. Creditors, at times, are a part of our lives. Other times, they are not. Often, I find myself as the deal-maker negotiating rates and amounts. It can create a great deal of angst.

This week we took James's car to be inspected. It failed and at 255,000 miles and 15 years of age, the mechanic flatly refused to fix it. He said, "it ain't worth it -- donate it to charity." Ughhh!!! Another crisis, another catastrophe that I have to swoop in and fix. Yet again. At least it feels that way.

Initially, I feel the irritation that goes with having yet to mop up another mess. Now you could say -- I should have known better -- a car with 255,000 miles isn't going to last very long. But I had hoped it would. My aggravation has mostly passed and the logic I know and hold dear and of which I have come to rely upon has finally taken hold. I am trying to support my spouse in finding a new set of wheels that can take him to where he needs to go. In the meantime, he's riding his bike and we are sharing our mini van.

In order to cope with this and other major issues that we have experienced, I realize that I have to find the light that is inside my heart and inside my head. I have to believe that this too shall pass and that eventually, everything will work out. It isn't easy to live like this and I don't know how long I can live with a man in his late forties who just can't get it together. But then I remember what it was like when we fell in love and then I remember my three beautiful little children. Without my husband, they wouldn't be here.

So with that, I start my first blog, my journey towards understanding how to continue to cope with living with a mentally ill spouse, working a big professional job, and most importantly, raising three little children.