AN ENORMOUS LOVE
I first met my husband when I was teaching an art class at a local arts center. I was 26 and a bit insecure. I didn’t realize how talented I was – I had no idea how giving and loving that people felt I was to them. I wish I knew then what I know now.

When James walked into the room, he immediately filled my entire world and he seemed to dominate whole spaces. He was handsome and noticed by all of the women in the room. They immediately silenced themselves and just stared as he disrobed and took center stage as the class model.

It would take several years for me to say yes to one of James’ requests for a date. Even though I was attracted to him, he intimidated me a bit. As soon as we started dating, I was smitten and felt as if a spell had been cast upon me. We fell in love very quickly.

James seemed to be the total package. He was never married, kind and loving, caring towards my family, intelligent, and Catholic. Even though there were some negative qualities that I had noticed, I looked only at the positive because I felt that everyone had a flaw including me. I just didn’t realize that his flaws would be nearly impossible to live with.

My first insight into James’ struggle with bi-polar illness was about a year before we were married. He became unglued when he accidentally locked his keys into his car. Instead of thinking methodically, he lost it. I was a bit frightened of the immense anger that flowed from him. I tried hard to make him feel better but nothing would. I solved the problem and then he calmed down. Little did I know that from that day forward, I would continue to be the “problem solver” and the pacifier that would help him navigate on a daily basis.

We were married in June of 2002 and almost immediately, the daily crises that are a part of the fabric of James’ life became more and more apparent. He lost his job a few days before we were married and then came the back taxes requests from the Federal Government, wage garnishing, and a bill for thousands of dollars in parking tickets. My father helped him get a high paying and great job which he subsequently lost five months later due to his issues with anger. He had a difficult time getting along with others. He got several speeding tickets and our insurance expenses were significantly increased. All of this happened shortly after I found out I was pregnant with our first child. Consequently, my pregnancy was exhausting and less than blissful.

Nearly 18 months after we were married, and our oldest child was 6 months, James locked himself in a closet and threatened to kill himself. His anger was overwhelming. He blamed me for everything – his loss of a job, for having a child too soon, for breathing. His words were abusive and manipulative. I couldn’t go to work that day and I left home for the first time. When I returned I told James that I was no longer going to live with him because his behavior was out of control. I let him know that after he went to a doctor and found out why he was angry and suicidal, I would return. He immediately became kinder and I saw the man that I fell in love with. He convinced me that he would go to his physician and take care of what was wrong.

The doctor diagnosed James with depression and prescribed Prozac. He also began visiting a counselor on a routine basis. James seemed to improve and our lives began to regulate a bit more. He was hired at a new job and for the next few years, things were stable. I became pregnant again and we celebrated the birth of our daughter in April 2005. Life seemed to be perfect until yet gain, James lost his job. This time, his employment ended with a near fist fight. Life was about to get much worse.